The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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