im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
