You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
