The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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