My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
