Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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