if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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