when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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