I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Boobs are out for the taking
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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