Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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