I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
