I think I won the penis lottery.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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