this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
