I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
