Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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