someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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