Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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