His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
