im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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