why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
