Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
