So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
