Don't make out with my wife yet
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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