Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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