i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
