I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize