i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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