I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
