I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize