chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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