I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
