if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
