I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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