u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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