i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You smell like a Billy Joel song
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The ass gains better be worth it
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