mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
