I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
