I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
