Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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