I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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