we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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