I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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