On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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