Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
