You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
