there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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