erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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