I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Holy shit dude........stairs
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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