Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
