you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
