God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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