this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
