I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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