at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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