mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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