have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
