I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sober January is a disaster.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I pour the whiskey from now on
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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