watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
